you must have known, i'd do this someday.

i've only ever seen shooting stars on film.

i wrote that two days ago, and we're still talking about it.

i was reading some reviews on amazon today, of an album i already own (i often do this, to see if i'm agreed with...it keeps me thinking my opinion is valid rather than just a copy of the hype bridage), the album in question was the national's alligator. and suddenly i had a flashback.

last year in the flat at uni, i didn't sleep that much. hell, i don't sleep much ever, but for some reason i remember this night. it was in the middle of my exams, and i was kind of trying to reread a passage on 'the death of the author' (from splintered memory, i think it was by barthes), and it wasn't working out, so instead i made some coffee and cooked. for the sake of storytelling this is quite frustrating, since i threw the cooking away and have no idea what it was; i have no idea what was sizzling or boiling in that pan, frying or sauce.

but what i do remember is staring out over the courtyard of the other raised flats, watching the sunrise through clouds, the rays hitting every window but ours, i cleaning a pan that was dirty in vain, and a named cafetiere, and 'looking for astronauts' was playing. when 'you know you have, a permanent piece' escapes from the cheap, trebly cd/tape combo, i feel this thing - this really, really dissapointing wash...not like apathy, but the same wash when you wake up after a heavy night out. "that was a good night. wait,..., what have i done?"

it's that point between realising you've fucked your best friends relationship up by sneaking into a dark corner with his girlfriend, or when you realised you haven't done anything wrong, and you were the perfect gentleman to the girl you were courting. but, obviously, completely out of that context. it's a tightrope of the human condition.

the national - looking for astronauts

the national - daughters of the soho riots

the national - baby, we'll be fine

this was the triplet of songs that i've tied to the moment, the ones i remember playing just at that period of bleach white, sky and room and mind.